How to destroy your franchise in a day

Looks like the weirdest season ever is seguewaying* quite nicely into the weirdest offseason ever. I'm a bit behind on the Preki disaster in embryo form, but I will be awaiting the inevitable crash on my little tippy-toes.

That place being Toronto, of course, and the August was back in 2007. Which means that either Preki is blowing smoke up TFC's butt –

– or he just spent two and a half seasons with his thumb up his ass waiting for the Toronto job to open, then re-open, then re-open a third time. This would never have happened if Jorge Vergara were alive. Can I have my Hall of Fame vote back? I wanna vote for Preki ALL TEN TIMES.

Speaking of things I'm behind on – everyone has their Philadelphia Union mock draft already, and probably the real one will be up before I'm finished with mine.

Frankly, I don't see a lot. They're either old, expensive, international, or frequently all three. I'm not usually sympathetic to people who compain about the dilution of the talent pool – I think if there are 36 cities that can support an MLS team profitably, then damn the talent pool and damn FIFA. But I do feel for Piotr Nowak today…although I should probably feel sorry for the poor suckers he's going to draft.

Chivas USA: Dan Kennedy, maybe? I dunno if Philly has a keeper in mind.

Fire: Cuauhtemoc Blanco. Just to make Chicago trade back for him. Call this bluff, Nowak. Or you could take Chris Rolfe. I didn't see anything in the rules preventing you from taking a bunch of guys who have no intention of re-signing with MLS, and then claiming a crapload of allocations as compensation, after all. Probably Michael Banner would be the most genuinely helpful pick here, though.

Crew: Boy, has Iro's stock dropped over the past year.

Rapids: Yeah, that's how you build a winner. Take guys not good enough for the Colorado Rapids.

FC Dallas: Dario Sala, just to hear their fans complain. Or Ricchetti – he MIGHT not leave MLS, and you know he'll be motivated to beat one team in the league.

DC United: How incredibly lame and pathetic is it that you expose Ben Olsen? I know, rules are rules, but the Union should get three choices from DC's roster in revenge for that stunt. Except, who would you want?

Dynamo: …okay, guess Rico Clark is going to Europe. Chabala? Maybe?

Wizards: Herc, I suppose. Or Morsink. Hohlbein. Compared to what other teams put out there, this is a treasure trove.

Revolution: You know what, throw them a curve ball, like Bob Bradley did to the Galaxy in 1998. Take Pat Phelan, then make them trade Chris Albright plus a draft pick or two to get him back. (That might backfire horribly, though.)

Galaxy: Well, we all got a good look at Saunders under pressure.

Red Bulls: Andrew Boyens will miss games for the World Cup. That whirring you hear is George Best doing 33 1/3 rpm in his grave. Zimmerman, I suppose.

Salt Lake: Champions, every one of them. Russell MUST be going to Europe, he's standing out on this list something fierce otherwise.

Earthquakes: Seriously, don't take Bobby Convey. Take Wondolowski or Salinas or someone, then make Doyle sweat. It ain't like Bob was ripping it up last year, after all.

Sounders: Levesque or Le Toux, just to punish this fan-friendly front office for exposing fan favorites.

Toronto FC: Yuck. Do the Union HAVE to take ten players? Can't they just fill out their roster with Sons of Ben or something?


Huh. And I had twenty minutes to spare. Well, let's have ourselves a placeholder. What's an appropriate Union picture?

I know, very Shawn Francis of me, but still.


The results are in, and I LOVE it. Nowak didn't bite on Convey or Albright. I only got one pick right, and it was Le Toux – take THAT, Seattle! What'll you give to get him back?

Now, the only problem is keeping guys like Moreno, Thomas and Miglioranzi healthy all year – and Nowak is the guy who taught Preki everything he knows about keeping players healthy.


Oh, right, Kansas City hiring Peter Vermes. Who headed up that coaching search, Dick Cheney? (Sorry this joke is stale. I've been too busy trying to get one of those "Los Angeles Galaxy – 2009 MLS Cup Champions" shirts before those greedy Third World kids scarf them all up.)


*For the longest time, I thought the "ue" in "segue" was silent, and the word was pronounced "segg." So that's that joke.

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