Q: How do you pronounce "Qatar"?

A: Who gives a ********?

Okay, well…now what?

As a candidate for the now-vacant post of President of the United States Soccer Federation, I would like to be the first, and last, to wish Sunil Gulati well in his future failures. I'm sure Mr. Gulati looks forward to spending more time with his family, despite the huge and crushing shame he has brought upon them.

Inexcusably, the post of US Soccer Federation President has no military authority. It would have been nice to counter bribery with threats. But now is not the time to fantasize about military reprisals.

Of course, it would be unfair to blame the people of Switzerland – neutral, friendless Switzerland – or the people of Qatar – tiny, defenseless Qatar. Most of the people involved in the World Cup voting, after all, are citizens of other countries. Extremely rich and powerful international jet-setters. Flying from place to place. In small aircraft.

But, I'm sure these particular small aircraft are very well maintained, and won't just crash mysteriously or disappear without a trace. Men this rich and powerful, after all, are tracked very carefully. Why, when it comes to powerful men like this, I imagine it would be child's play for the US Air Force to know exactly where they are from takeoff to landing.

I mean, we all know the US military has the kind of surveillance technology that can even see where they're driving, or where their families are, or where their children go to school.

But, like I said, this is not the time for violent fantasies, no matter how relaxing or pleasant. We must think of other options.

As President of the USSF, I will withdraw sanction for Major League Soccer. They will no longer be an accredited league. They will be an outlaw sports operation, no longer beholden to any national, or international, authority. They will no longer be subject to CONCACAF or FIFA rules regarding contracts, and transfers, and international call-ups. If, say, the Los Angeles Galaxy or the New York Red Bulls or the Seattle Sounders were to suddenly decide to offer the world's great players enough money to make it worth their while to "retire" from their national teams, why, my hands would be completely tied.

I wish MLS luck as an outlaw organization. If for some reason MLS players and teams wish to play some form of international soccer, well, good luck finding another league whose home nation has been similarly screwed by FIFA recently

…hm, don't know where that came from.

Probably couldn't hurt to see how mad Spain and Portugal are about losing out to Russia, or whether Mexico is finally ready to dump CONCACAF. If we get enough countries together, why, we could eventually start an alternate World Cup by, I dunno, 2022 or so.

Somewhere people have heard of.

Somewhere that serves drinks and doesn't need freaking outdoor air-conditioning.

Someplace with human rights and a free press – hey, can't wait for that Al-Jazeera investigative report on FIFA corruption!

While I'm here – I've heard a lot of smart talk about how Qatar '22 is reminiscent of USA '94. Soccer hinterland, unknown entity, poor national team.

By the way, quick quiz – how much smaller was the total 1994 World Cup attendance than the entire population of Qatar?

Anyway. So our national team was junk before 1994. In 2003 I interviewed Paul Caligiuri for Andy Mead's Emerald City Gazette. And in that interview, Caligiuri said that, had the US bungled the Trinidad qualifier in November 1989, and failed to qualify for the 1990 World Cup, the 1994 tournament would have been given to Germany.

As USSF President, I would like to offer Qatar the same challenge. No host has ever failed to qualify for the World Cup. The US had one chance. Qatar will have two, 2014 and 2018. If Qatar qualifies for Brazil or England – I mean, Russia? We're all good. If not? Hand it over.

On a completely unrelated note, let us come together as Americans to support a Manhattan Project that will bring a clean, safe, and cheap alternative to fossil fuels. We put a man on the moon in less than ten years. We went from a Great Depression to nuking Doha and Zurich in less than five years. Surely twelve years should be enough time to impoverish the entire Middle Eastern world.

Er, I mean, clean energy.

Hm? Did I get the wrong names of the cities that were nuked?

Well, I suppose that remains to be seen, now, doesn't it?

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