The Mexican Foreign Legion wants you!

I'm sure by now you've all seen this Wall Street Journal article breaking the big news that Mexico's national team is popular in the United States.

That's the boring part – do Mexican gridiron fans weep and rend their garments that the Dallas Cowboys are more popular than the Mexico City Seahawks, or whatever the hell they have down there? I hope not – but there's a slightly interesting bit further down.

That's not the most boring part – the most boring part is Americans shaking their fists in the air at the thought of someone supporting the team of their fathers and grandfathers (or, hey, grandmothers, maybe, I dunno). Do other countries demand total loyalty from their immigrants in every form of…well, okay, they sorta do, I suppose. But we should be better than that. Even if we did make Barack Obama stop pledging allegiance to Kenya.

If we can tolerate the god-damned Irish and their green beer and stupid parades spoiling a period of mourning for Julius Caesar every year, we can put up with a fifth column pouring money into our soccer program. Eventually, "Dos a Cero" is going to replace "In God We Trust" on our money, and it will be Mexico fans who made it possible.

…wait, so why is Mexico doing it?

I'm sure this is the part of the article that has made some of our fellow US fans…how shall we put this delicately…misplace their feces.

Sure, it's roughly analogous to the plot of "Mars Needs Women!" And sure, when Mexico does finally kidnap and brainwash one of our players, that will put them roughly even with Italy. Or have we forgotten the fatwa we declared against Giuseppe Rossi?

And sure, it's not like we'd have any room to complain. Could we have beaten Mexico in 2002 without David Regis on the team?

No, really, he was. Look it up.

But just for gits and shiggles, let's take this at face value. Mexico is here not to loot their expats, but to lure the children of the diaspora into a life of Mexican soccer…a life so onerous that Nery Castillo fled for the Ukraine.

Mexican football's evil plot! (dramatization)

Let's say this evil plot works, and within ten years Mexico is starting seven guys who were born in South Dakota or Iowa. Whatever shall we do?

Well, I for one plan to breathe a sigh of relief.

Forget for a second that Lincoln freed the slaves, and we actually can't go around telling adults who they can cheer for and who they can play for. I'm a US fan. I don't want to cheer for guys who'd rather be playing for Mexico. I don't think we can win with guys who'd rather be playing for Mexico.

Yes, when it happens, we'll all be terribly upset. I remember when the US national team shut down when Neven Subotic decided to play for…whoever the hell it was, I can't be bothered to look it up now. Sure, with Subotic, we might have been able to qualify for the World Cup, win the Hex, and beat Spain in the Confederations Cup, but…seriously, people. Give me partisans over mercenaries every time.

More likely, though, we'll be seeing players pick one side after being ignored by the other. Edgar Castillo leaps to mind. And I've already given Herculez Gomez permission to play for Mexico if Bradley doesn't call him in. Hell, I'll give Edson Buddle permission to play for Mexico, too.

Too soon to make a joke about Mexico playing in Phoenix again any time soon? Okay, then. Happy Fifth of May!

I see we're making a big deal about New York being in first place.

1. Were we actually going to let the Crew play a game or two this year?

2. Were the Red Bulls planning on playing a team over .500 at some point this year? (To be fair, there aren't many of those.)

3. So they're the best in the Eastern Conference. Being in first place in the East is like being the hottest piece of ass at Costco.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *