The John Report: Raw Opinions for 05/25/09

Back in February I wrote a running diary with my thoughts on Raw live as I watched it. Most of the feedback I got to it was that while people enjoyed it, they didn’t need a rundown of the entire show. Then I got some suggestions asking me to just write my general thoughts on things that happened on the show, which frankly is easier for me to do anyway. This is not a full recap of the show, there is one of those on Rajah.com already, so if you missed it you might want to read it first.

Now, onto my first edition of Raw Opinions. I’ll break it down by segments and in the case of the matches there will be star ratings posted in brackets in the bolded heading.

Vince confronts Kroenke
This was atrociously bad. I understand why it was done and I understand why Vince was pissed off about the double booking of the Pepsi Center, but that still doesn’t make me feel sympathetic towards this godawful segment. Not only were the impersonators of Kroenke, Nicholson, Stern and Buss terrible, the “action” was even worse. I wonder what fans of this company overseas think considering they probably don’t follow the NBA or care about this at all. There had to be other ways for Vince to get “revenge” for this without eating up TV time, right? Oh, and let’s not forget the “comedy” of making fun of the guy for having the name Enis because it rhymes with penis. The funniest part of it to me is that Vince probably thought it was a good idea and nobody on his writing “team” had the guts to tell him how terrible it was. One of the worst segments to open Raw ever, that’s for damn sure.

Miz came out, did his usual spiel and it led to a big brawl to promote the main event. Oh yeah, this is supposed to be a show with wrestling matches on it. I almost forgot.

Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly ends in a DQ (1/4*)
Loved the dueling “whip your hair back while you stand by the ropes” pose. All that did was show us how replaceable these faceless, character thin “divas” are. That’s not a knock on the girls, it’s a knock on the writing. The ending was ridiculous. Kelly’s on the floor, Maryse follows her out, pushes her onto the announce table and is DQ’d for it. Huh? Wrestlers throw opponents into the steps or the post and nothing ever happens. Hell, we’ve seen so many people go through the table without it ending a match, yet a push ended it here. Wow. Terrible booking. Why not just do a countout? Very weak.

Hey, Goldust is stuttering again. It was so bad years ago they decided to bring it back. Amazing. Almost as amazing as four adults pretending like an actor badly portraying Jack Nicholson is really him.

Flair’s talking with Batista. Filler basically.

Kofi Kingston d. Matt Hardy and William Regal (**)
I was so excited to see that they actually remembered the US title existed and that people would be competing to become a contender for it. Then I heard that the title match is only on Raw, not PPV. Not a surprise. As it is, this was a very enjoyable match with Kingston looking great against two veterans that know how to put people over. MVP vs. Kingston next week should be fun.

Flair comes out, calls out Orton, he gets beat up and Batista predictably saves before it can go anywhere. Good job of teasing more to come in the future although it’s all been done before, so it’s hard for me to get excited about any of it. After it’s over, Mr. Kennedy comes out to what I’d have to call an okay reaction for somebody that’s been out for long. He says he’s going to be the next world champion. I don’t think so, but hey, it’s nice to have goals.

Santino and Mickie James d. Chavo Guerrero and Beth Phoenix (1/2*)
The babyfaces predictably won while Santino’s feud against Vickie that nobody cares about will continue at the Extreme Rules PPV because they want you to pay to see them in a Hog Pen match. Think about that. They’re not giving you a terrible match for free. You have to pay. They think you want to pay to see it. Oh wait, it’s Santina not Santino. Maybe the Jack Nicholson actor can dress like his twin sister Jackie to make it even more terrible. Somehow this is the Denver Nuggets fault. Just ask Vince. Has to blame somebody for terrible booking other than himself. I like both Santino and Vickie as characters, but there has to be a better way to use them.

Big Show doesn’t like Miz. I don’t like him either although in my case it’s more because he’s dating Maryse. Lucky bastard. He says he’s going to make Cena tap in their submission match. I actually agree because they seem to want to keep Cena away from the title, so losing to Show would do that.

Goldust the Stutterer and Hornswoggle the Midget d. Festus the Dumb Guy and Brian Kendrick the Normal Guy (-*)
Look at those names and guess which one lost? Yep, only in wrestling. I love how there are levels to Festus having rage when the bell rings. He’s not smart enough to fight unless a bell rings, he can’t sing unless a bell rings (we learned that a few weeks back), yet he has enough sense to not fight a fellow babyface wrestler. Give the Emmy to these writers! It’s genius. I have an idea now.

They should have Festus star in a sitcom. He’s eating dinner with his wife, son and daughter with the three of them talking about their day while he just sits there. Then the doorbell rings and he goes nuts on his wife for cooking a steak that’s not medium rare like he asked. He then berates each child for poor grades in school and just as he’s about to choke the dog for shitting in his bed the doorbell rings again and it saves the life of the dog. And the studio audience laughs at the hilarity of it all because the person at the door is Michael Vick. That’s gold, Jerry. Gold!

Five Guys Dressed as the Lakers d. Five Guys Dressed as the Nuggets (**1/4)
Way to stick it to Kroenke, Vince. I’m sure he cared so much about this while watching the real Nuggets destroying the Lakers last night mostly because some Lakers, especially Bynum and Odom, have been playing like a bunch of pansies throughout this series. Suck it up, let Kobe carry the team and get to the finals. Sorry, I’m a Lakers fan. I feel like ranting. Anyway, the actual match was your standard multi man fare although they probably rushed it a bit because some of the guys barely got in the match. The crowd seemed to enjoy it because they’re stupid enough to be blinded by the jerseys. If they were real Lakers fans they would have been at home watching the actual game instead of being at Raw. I guess they couldn’t resist the greatness of McMahon vs. Kroenke. It was nice to see MVP get the win over Rhodes because he deserves to get wins in big matches although to this point he’s not even wrestling at the Extreme Rules PPV. Hopefully that changes. Oh, and that double suplex by Cena and Batista on Show was a pretty cool ending.

Three Stars of the Show
1. MVP – That was a nice win. Get him a PPV match, please.

2. Festus – For being smart enough to not attack fellow babyfaces. What a guy.

3. Shawn Michaels – He wasn’t on the show, but it was so bad that it made me miss him.

Final Thoughts
I know I’m going to get the “if you don’t like it stop watching” emails from the usual people that fail to realize you’re allowed to criticize something you watch. To those people I say you need to take the blinders off. This was a poorly written two hours of television that did nothing to promote a PPV that’s going to happen in two weeks. Sure, Vince might get some clips on some sports shows that may laugh at what happened, but the problem is this stuff was so bad that they’re going to laugh AT WWE, not with them. None of this is going to help PPV buys for a show that’s doomed for buys anyway because it’s only three weeks after the last PPV. On the plus side, at least Smackdown’s generally a good show. I doubt I’ll be able to write about that on a weekly basis, though. Just doesn’t fit with my schedule since I usually get around to watching it on Sundays at the earliest.

Rating: 3 (out of 10)

I’ll be back next week for another installment of Raw Opinions. I will try to get it posted within 24 hours of the show being done. Ideally I’d love to have it done by Tuesday in the morning although I can’t guarantee that every week. I would love it if somebody could come up with an alternative name (I like Raw Opinions just fine, but am open to ideas) and/or banner for this too. It’s just that it might be shorter than this some weeks especially when I’m writing something else. Speaking of that, I’ll likely be bringing back the PPV flashbacks either late this week or early next week.

Lastly, if your name is Enis and you’re reading this please know that Vince McMahon is not laughing with you. He’s laughing at you. There’s a difference…even if he doesn’t know it.

Smell ya later,
John C. – oratoryjohn@gmail.com (You can add me on facebook here if you want)
MSN: oratoryjohn@hotmail.com – Do not email me here! Will not be read!

Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *